What Do You Do When You Hate To Network?

My networking series went AWOL for a little while, but it’s back with a vengeance! Here is part 5. Tom Dezell is back with another guest blog. Remember my piece from the other day about limiting beliefs? Tom addresses them from the perspective of networking. Important stuff, folks!

Here goes..


Well, let’s start with the good news. If you’re reading this post, you have made one positive step already. Most people avoid activities they hate. You are realistic enough to know that despite your disdain for networking, you realize you need to do it to have a successful job search.

Shortly after Ilona invited me to guest blog on this topic, I participated in a discussion on the same subject on Jason Alba’s blog. Most of the discussions focused on two critical networking impediments I believe no one who hates networking will ever get past disdaining without resolving.

Get clear on how networking really works

The first involves the huge lack of understanding of how networking works. Too many people perceive it as just contacting people they either don’t know or haven’t spoken to in a long time and asking for job leads. From such a perspective, is it surprising that people hate the prospect of networking? Most people correctly see such actions as superficial, insincere, and selfish.

But that’s not what networking is. Networking starts with people sharing information that could prove helpful to all parties involved. In the longer term, it becomes the process of establishing and maintaining mutually beneficial relationships.

How will you be perceived?

The second issue stems from many people’s belief that having to network will ultimately lead others to perceive them in a negative manner. Someone out of work worries that he may be viewed as damaged goods.

Well with the multiple economic downturns world economies have had in the last two decades, most people have either had a period of unemployment or known a close family member, friend, or colleague that has. Any stigma has vanished.

I always ask people struggling with this how perceive someone that tells them they’ve lost their job. Once they admit they never make negative assumptions about such an individual, I ask why they assume such perceptions will be made of them.

Another individual might view her asking someone for information is an imposition on the individual’s time. We all have developed our own wealth of knowledge and expertise throughout our careers. This does not vanish during periods we’re between jobs.
As stressed above, networking is about fellow professionals sharing information which can prove beneficial to both parties. Not many people view such opportunities as an imposition on their time.

So ask yourself if any of these beliefs are what holds you back from networking. Then take a closer look at how realistic these perceptions are. Committing to improving your networking skills will take time, commitment, and patience. It will be difficult to sustain this commitment when it’s focused on an activity you believe turns you into a pariah.

Your next step is to start with a plan.

  • List all activities that apply to networking. Be sure to include developing contact lists, creating call scripts, searching for people online and at sites like LinkedIn, making cold calls, sending emails, requesting information interviews, and attending networking meetings.
  • Rank these in order of how comfortable you are performing each. As you develop lists of potential contacts, rank them in the same manner regarding of your comfort level contacting them.
  • Set goals for your activity. A great start is to try making two contacts per day that are just beyond your normal comfort range. That way, as your comfort level increases, you can move up your list to the contacts that made you more anxious initially.

Start with a goal of scheduling one information interview a week, then expand this once you become  more comfortable asking for them. Two ways to ease into attending networking events I recommend are going with a friend the first time or just observing how others work such an event before you try to make your own contacts at one. If you choose to attend with a friend, avoid the temptation to just hang with each other. Separate for thirty minutes, then meet back to compare notes.

  • Script out your contacts, whether it’s on the phone or in person. Summarize as concisely as possible what you do and what you are looking for. Try to stay within 30 seconds and make certain the focus stays on seeking advice and guidance as opposed to simply asking for jobs. Always ask a contact if they know of other contacts you can make.

Understand that building a network will not happen overnight. You will need to allow these contacts time to develop. Stay patient and remember that others’ time priorities may not coincide with yours, but that doesn’t mean someone can’t eventually be helpful. Don’t just give up on someone that does not offer an immediate job lead.

When will you hate networking less?

Possibly when you see that increased contacts sharing positive information starts opening doors to opportunities that you hadn’t seen before.

Perhaps discovering that conducting more information interviews improves how you perform in actual job interviews.

Maybe when you find that many old colleagues are glad to hear from you. Recounting past projects and successes with peers provides a well-needed shot in the arm.

Or it might just happen when you find you’re spending much more of your job search time on personal contacts and realize it’s yielding more positive results than spending forty plus hours a week on job boards.

Tom Dezell is the author of Networking for the Novice, Nervous or Naïve Job Seeker. He has more than 25 years experience in career services, working with clients ranging from convicted felons to C-level executives. His web site is www.yournetworkingguide.com.


  1. Great post!
    It took me about six months of unemployment to overcome my reluctance and work seriously on in-person networking. I tried the on-line versions and didn’t really get anywhere. Cold calls were hopeless. What got me going was actually getting out of the house and showing up at local events. It turns out that the social aspect – lots of people in the room – was just what I needed and I enjoyed it right away!
    The last few months have been very busy. Lots of events and new connections. My LinkedIn contact list has grown by hundreds. I have over five hundred Twitter followers.
    This really worked for me.

    Comment by Paul Geffen — March 25, 2010 @ 7:27 pm

  2. Great information on a timely subject! I find a lot of reluctance comes from (incorrectly) thinking that the Internet removes the need to meet face-to face, or at the very least, talk on the phone.

    One thing I would add is the importance of follow up and “Thank You” or “Nice to Meet You” cards. A handwritten note will put you head and shoulders above the contacts that only use email. (I know of one online service that allows you to send a handwritten card in the mail for around a dollar.)

    We need more high touch in this increasingly hi-tech world!

    Think Success!

    Comment by Todd Pillars — March 26, 2010 @ 4:24 pm

  3. When I started networking, I was quite uncomfortable with the idea. I had heard the phrase “pay it forward.” several times. When you meet someone focus on what you can do to help them, not what they can do to help you. I initially felt out of place because I figured, what skills, people, or knowledge do I have which may benefit someone else?

    Over time, however, I picked up some additional skills. I became knowledgeable about LinkedIn, I learned and continue to learn about twitter, and I also believe that the more people you know, the more likely you are to be able to help someone else in some way.

    Changing your approach to networking can also make a difference in your attitude. One attitude change I made was realizing that many times people at networking events WANT to meet you. This mindset takes the awkwardness out of walking up and talking to someone if you know that both of you are there for the same reason.

    I think some people overlook the fact that whether they are looking for an employment opportunity, or looking to grow their own business, at its core, networking is about people sharing information, ideas, and contacts with each other for the betterment of each person.

    Networking can change your life. I can look back at my personality a couple years ago and see that I was shy and uncomfortable around people. Being laid off is a large shock to your life.

    Networking has expanded my horizons. I have met some really nice, helpful, encouraging, and energizing people through networking. Not only have I met some super people, I seek them out. It isn’t always easy to identify them, but when you do, you can build not just a connection, but a valuable friendship. I feel the job search is important, but on a broader scale, my entire identity as a person is not defined only by my employment status.

    Although meeting people in person is certainly an important part of networking, I view social media like LinkedIn and twitter, as resources to assist in the process of finding some of the people I should meet. I try to go to as many networking groups and meetings as I can and also set-up 1-1 meetings with people. Networking is now enjoyable because each person I meet has something unique to add to my life.


    Comment by jimhorrell — March 26, 2010 @ 7:07 pm

  4. Wow, some great responses from Paul, Todd and Jim. They each illustrate how learning that the network process is about sharing changed their views on the subject. I also see that all three plan to keep increasing and nurturing their networks as part of ongoing career development.

    Comment by tomdezell — March 30, 2010 @ 7:12 pm

  5. Hi Paul,

    Thanks for commenting! I like how you figured out which kind of networking works best for you and used that as a launch pad for all the other (online) networking venues. Did I understand this correctly?

    Comment by Ilona Vanderwoude — April 1, 2010 @ 8:00 am

  6. Absolutely! I preach this to my clients all the time: follow-up with a hand-written note after the interview.

    You won’t believe how often I’ve been told by clients that – later on – they learned that just doing that tipped the scale in their favor. Of coure, that’s with all other things being equal.

    It’s also true that for any kind of communication it’s easier these days to stand out when you send it by snail mail vs. email. I advise job seekers to send their resumes this way too – in a large envelope marked “personal” to (hopefully) bypass the assistant and HR and actually get in the hands of the decision maker.

    Thanks for commenting Todd!

    Comment by Ilona Vanderwoude — April 1, 2010 @ 8:04 am

  7. Wow – way to go, Jim!

    I agree 100% that networking is not just about the job search and your career.

    Our exchanges with others, including new people (that you meet through networking) can render so many insights that help us grow and see things differently and learn about new topics and opportunities, become inspired, etc.

    You said it beautifully:

    “…at its core, networking is about people sharing information, ideas, and contacts with each other for the betterment of each person.”

    Amen to that!

    : )

    Comment by Ilona Vanderwoude — April 1, 2010 @ 8:08 am

  8. You do it anyway, it’s that simple.

    You do what you have to do.

    Comment by Mary Aucoin Kaarto — April 2, 2010 @ 6:15 pm

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